Stages in grieving

When we think of stages in grief processing, we often have the idea that grief is a linear process. The well-known stages from denial to acceptance, as described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, are often cited. At the time, this model was developed in a medical context and was particularly intended to describe the reactions of terminally ill patients. Since then, however, much research has been done on grief, and new insights show that grief does not follow a fixed sequence. Rather, it is a dynamic and personal process of adjustment to a new reality.

Another way of looking at grief

Grief is not only an emotional experience, but can also be seen as a form of stress. Within this stress, we can distinguish two main components:

1. The grief itself: The realization that the person you loved is no longer physically there. This brings with it intense emotions such as loss, pain and sometimes even anger or guilt.
2. The changes that loss brings: In addition to the emotional aspect, grief also brings practical challenges. Consider a changed role in the family, financial or administrative responsibilities and feeling alone.

You go through a period where you have to reacquaint yourself with the world, now from a different perspective and without the presence of the deceased.

Self-care and coping strategies in the grieving process

Grief can be compared to a river. On one bank is the loss, and on the other is the stress and changes brought on by the loss. You are constantly moving between these two sides: one moment you are overwhelmed with grief, the next you are dealing with the practical consequences of the loss. Sometimes you need a break and stay in the middle of the river to catch your breath.

This process, also called the dual-process model, shows that grief is not a one-way or linear process. You are constantly faced with both emotional processing and the practical consequences of the loss. Because both processes can be tough, it is essential to take regular rest. By pausing occasionally and creating breathing space, you build resilience and can better cope with the challenges of grief.

Connection with the one who has died

Whereas older grief models focused on letting go of the connection with the deceased completely, modern grief research shows that this connection never completely disappears. Many people find that they continue to bring their loved one into their lives in some way, such as by cherishing memories, creating rituals or drawing meaning from the relationship they had.

The realization that the bond with the deceased remains can be comforting. It can help you reflect on the impact this person has had on your life and how you can give that meaning a place in your continued life path.

From loss to resilience: the journey to recovery

Grief is not only about coping with loss, but also about finding a new balance in life. This does not mean “forgetting” or “shutting down,” but finding a way to live with the loss and give the memories a lasting place.

An important question in this process is: How do you give meaning to what has happened? You can do this by reflecting on who the deceased was to you, what you learned from them and how you can integrate these valuable lessons into your life. In this way, grief can be not only a source of pain, but also a source of growth and resilience.

Conclusion

Grief is not a linear process and proceeds differently for everyone. It is a constant interaction between grief and adjustment, between letting go and holding on, and between pain and growth. By taking good care of yourself, acknowledging the connection to the deceased, and finding meaning in the loss, you can walk a path that focuses not only on coping, but also on resilience and personal growth.

What does grief do to your body?

The loss of a loved one can feel like an earthquake. Everything that was stable and familiar is suddenly uncertain and shaky. You have to completely reorient yourself because your known world is no longer the same. This has not only emotional consequences, but also a direct impact on our bodies. In the first stage of grief, we react physically as if we are in a prolonged stress state. Symptoms such as insomnia, change in appetite, fatigue and exhaustion are common reactions.

If you think of grief as a stress reaction, you may recognize some of these physical effects. I myself remember well how my husband and I felt after my mother-in-law died by euthanasia. We felt ten years older in a short time. Whether that was really the case, I don’t know, but the intensity of the experience took an enormous toll on us. Our bodies felt heavy and every action seemed to take more effort than usual.

Sometimes grief is felt as a physical pain

Grief can manifest not only as emotional pain, but also as physical pain. It can be present throughout your body. Well-known therapist Manu Keirse describes how someone once said, “I don’t have pain, I am pain. This illustrates how grief can affect the body, sometimes concentrated in a specific place, but sometimes palpable everywhere.

From acupuncture, this is understandable because each point and meridian has not only a physical, but also an emotional and even spiritual component. Grief turns this entire energy system upside down, which can cause physical symptoms because the balance in the body has been disrupted.

Sometimes specific bodily sensations come into play. An example might be a feeling of emptiness in a certain place in your body, or just an abrasive sensation.

In a session, I sometimes invite people to explore that physical feeling. By paying attention to how you describe that physical experience and how you yourself view it, a larger story can become apparent. The body speaks in a symbolic language, and exploring that language can give new insights about your grieving process.

Unrest

Another common physical reaction to grief is agitation. As a friend of mine who lost his child told me, “In that last period of his life and after his death, I built as many as three terraces.

This may sound strange to some people, but everyone grieves in their own way. This can be seen as “instrumental grief”: a way of processing in which a person is actively engaged, focusing on problem solving and looking ahead. Physical activity can then help get a grip on the situation.

This is a reaction you see more often. While not necessarily gender-specific, this form of grieving is more common in men than in women. It is sometimes thought that men and women grieve differently, with men focusing more on action and women focusing more on emotional processing. Yet this is not a set rule. Nor is it the case that someone who grieves more instrumentally grieves less. Both ways of grieving are equally intense but express themselves in different ways. For my friend, physical activity helped regulate the tension he felt and process emotions. Grief is a personal process and can be expressed in many ways.